March 13, 2013

• Addled Essence Girls and Hard Questions

  She is only 12.  On Facebook, she says that she was born in 1995.  I have a paper in her own writing that says she was born in 2001.  Do the math.   

  I do not know much to be truth (for sure) that she has ever told me, except the day when we were carrying food to her hungry family and I asked her to help.  

  “Nope,” she said airily.  ”I’m lazy.  Not gonna’ help.”

  “Camilla,” I said, more out of reflex than thinking, “If someone is bringing food to your family because your family is hungry, the least you can do is help carry the food in!”  And so, she recruited her friend and they each carried a bag.  Maybe two.

  Around the first of the year, she got this facebook account, and quite frankly, I’ve learned a whole lot more than I wanted to know.  I’ve sent encouraging messages, tried to keep the lines of communication open, and had her call me when things were tough in her life.  At first, things she posted on Facebook weren’t too bad.  I was one of the first friends, and she hasn’t added a whole lot, but I’ve watched with concern — and almost alarm as the language got worse and worse. 

  Yesterday, when the two things she posted contained the “f” word three times, I decided to private message her. (The following is verbatim except for her name change.)

  Me:

  Camilla, you need to clean up your language. You know better! Using that kind of language is neither smart or grown up or classy. There is no reason for a girl of any age to use the “f” word for any reason. Wouldn’t you be surprised to hear Ms. Mary Ann or Mr. Daniel talk like that? And you can do better. I’m disappointed in you. You are not too young to make life decisions that will affect your life forever. You’ve been given a good mind, and above average intelligence. God didn’t give that to you so you could waste it on bad choices. You can choose to have the same kind of life that your mom and grandma have had, or you can choose to dream big, and to rise above what you have been given. I’m not trying to dis your family, but Camilla, the way you have to live is not the way any child or young girl or boy or teenager should have to live. (Actually, it isn’t the way grownups should live, but they at least have a choice!) You can’t change the way things are for you in your home as far as the things that are chosen for you, but you can respond differently than the people around you. You can do better. You can tell the truth, you can be kind, you can help out wherever you are needed, you can try to make peace instead of fighting. YOU CAN DO BETTER!!! You can be something! Dream big and think about how you can become productive and independent. Plan now. And start by talking like a lady, not an unprincipled female. I love you, Camilla, but I cannot approve of the choices you are making or the way you allow yourself to speak. And you can unfriend me for saying these things, just as I can unfriend you for disappointing me. Think about it, girlie. You have so much to gain, and so very much to lose. Love you! 

  Camilla

  Ok i will unfriend you be i did not write that i shared it and thats what it said ok bye be like tat of i will unfriend you for sure ok girl bye ttyl

  Me

  Camilla, if you share it on facebook, it is the same as you saying it. You know that. I’m not unfriending you, What I meant was that if you want to respond to what I said by unfriending me, that was your call. Just as I COULD do the same thing if I wanted to, but I don’t want to. I would far rather that you said, “Oh, Ms. Mary Ann cares about me and my future. Maybe I ought to think about what she said.”

  Camilla

  I will block you instead ok that right mean but guess what ok be like thu beacatse all i did was share it and thats what it said

  Me
  Camilla, you can block me.  You can do whatever, but I think you are missing the whole thing of what I am saying here.  I’m trying to say to you that you can do something with your life, but you need to WANT to, and you need to understand that love doesn’t just let people destroy themselves.  Your response to me in this tells me a whole lot more.  And if we didn’t care about you and your family, do you think we would help you when you are in need or take you and Kenny to Sunday School when it is so many extra miles for us on a Sunday  You are missing the whole point here, girlie.  As far as sharing not being what you said, would you say that if I shared something like that?  Come on, Camilla.  You are smarter than that!

  But she didn’t get a single line of the part that is italicized.  It wouldn’t go through.  She had already blocked me.  

  This is the message that came up:
  You cannot reply to this conversation. Either the recipient’s account was disabled or its privacy settings don’t allow replies.

  I think about the different ways our lives have been invested in this child and I wonder why I even care.  From the very beginning, while her brother showed specific interest, she has steadfastly been difficult.  She has tried to turn the hearts of our congregation against one of the other girls that has been coming to Sunday school, and has spread lies about another one.  She has been rude and inconsiderate and so often vulgar and greedy and crude.  She is a “taker” in every sense of the word.

  So, why do I care?

  Because, before God, I believe that it all is because of having to live so marginally while being given no hope, no reason to live better or example of the same. And I feel sorry that she took things the wrong way, here, too.  Maybe she really doesn’t care, but I think she does.

  And I want to love her with redemptive love, with creative ideas and methods for breaking through her shell, not by condemning her.  Which, as I look back over my notes to her, I can hear some strong and even condescending language concerning her family situation.  While the conditions are not healthy, she has no control over any of that.

  My heart goes out to all the children of the world, especially these on the brink of adolescence, who have already formed their value systems, are beginning to experience the pull of the hormones and the glamour of the things their parents and adults in their lives do for pleasure — drinking, drugs, free sex.  Sadly enough, the adults in her life have been known to combine those three components into wild, unrestrained parties that often end with police intervention.   Why would any of us expect that a child, growing up in this sort of environment, hitting the turbulent teen years, to really plan for their lives to be any different unless they had really compelling reasons to live otherwise?

  And who is going to give them compelling reasons?  What does that look like?  Are any of us really willing to be that inconvenienced?  

  Wait a minute.  I’m not including anyone else in this.  I need to rephrase.  

  Am I willing to be that inconvenienced?

  And if it’s really the love of Jesus that is my motivation, will it feel  like being inconvenienced?

  “Oh, Lord Jesus.  This heart of mine may not need more love, but the love I have needs deeper roots!  For sure!”

   

  • 3:49 pm
  • 8 Comments